Perceptions and Comfort...

I would like to control and adjust your perception of me. Yes, I just said that. I have no idea how many other people feel the same way. BUT, I do know that this same topic has come up at least 3 different times this weekend. One friend shared her struggle with it. And, she's reading a book about it. Another friend told me about an issue that she's dealing with that centers around how others perceive her. Yes Lord, I get it...the struggle is not just theirs. It is mine. I own it and I'm 100% responsible.

As I went to run this morning (in the frigid temps...well compared to a month ago anyway), I had Madison take this first pic....this is how I would like you to see me (loving life and ready to run at 5:30 in the morning)...please pat me on the back now:

But, truthfully this is how I felt and how I really was...no desire to get out of bed or run or study God's Word:

I would like for you to perceive me as a Christ-centered, giving, caring, loving woman who supports and encourages my husband and kids....a woman who devotes her time to homeschooling because God told her to do it....one who rises early to spend time in His Word and take care of her body in a way that honors the Lord...etc, etc, etc. The truth is that many moments/hours/days I am not Christ-centered. I care more about my own comfort and selfish desires. I do not care in the way I know Christ would have me to. I am ugly to my family and bitter about certain responsibilities. I have asked God to put my children on the bus some mornings (if God calls you to do that, obey Him. He has called me to obey Him by homeschooling, but there are days when I just don't want to do that). I struggle with teaching when a child doesn't "get it" or when learning is not happening. I want to stay in bed snuggled up under the warm covers. I want, I need, I, I, I, I...see the common theme!

I want to be comfortable! I looked in Scripture and guess what I found? 1 Corinthians 1:3 says that God is the "God of all comfort." Well, there it is. God WANTS me to be comfortable because He is the God of ALL comfort. I mean you can always find Scripture to back you up. Right? Nope, wrong. HIS COMFORT and my comfort are two totally different things. We, as Americans, have manipulated and changed the definition of comfort to be relative to each person. My idea of comfort is a beach bed in the Cancun with my husband, a good book, my children playing gloriously and quietly together, and the ocean waves. While it is restful, it is PURE laziness for me....which, of course, is a sin. God has NOTHING to do with sin so this is clearly not talking about my comfort.

My brutal honesty probably makes you think less of me, and I hope it does. You should think less of me. We should think less of people. Our minds should focus on the only perfect One there is. I am a sinner...plain and simple. I sin every day. I am selfish and unkind. I want things to be my way. I am critical and hateful. I want to avoid difficult people. I forget that people are starving. I think of myself and my needs. I detest lies to the point of detesting liars....instead of loving them with God's grace. I get easily frustrated. I lack patience. I seek friends over the Lord at times. I don't study His Word enough. My prayers are shallow. Uuuggh. Please think less of me. And, think MORE of Him. I must decrease and He must increase.

Today, my challenge is to get past my desire for comfort and for the perception of others (of me) to define who I am. I am a sinner who struggles daily to glorify Christ in my life. I am the woman who wanted to stay in bed today to sleep and stay warm. But, what I want submits to what He wants....so He told me to hit the alarm clock and get out of bed. He told me to study His Word. He showed me my sinfulness in 2 Peter. He showed me His glory and excellence. He told me to admit my sins. He told me to put on my shoes and be thankful that the weather is not hot. I will not control how others see me...I will, however, obey what He says. Ultimately, my life is about Him and not you OR me.

I am grateful to each of you who follows my ramblings and allows me to confess my sins each week. You encourage and challenge me in ways I cannot describe. I am grateful for you.

Ready to Give Up?

You want to give up...you want to give up badly...you want to give up desperately. Been there? Are you there right now? The fight doesn't seem worth the effort, and you are just tired of trying. You don't see the results you want or the changes are not coming quickly enough. So, why not give up now?

I OFTEN feel like giving up...pretty much every day at some point. I wonder if what I am doing is making a difference in my life, the lives of my husband and children or for eternity. Does it really matter?

It does. God allows us to breathe and live for His glory alone. So, if we are still here, we still have some glorifying to do. Giving up is not glorifying (unless you happen to be giving up things that don't honor Him). It is for cowards (of which, I am one) and it is not for fighters.

I like to succeed. I like to win. I love accomplishment (marking items off a list may make me a little giddy). Giving up doesn't lead to any of those markers. It does just the opposite and brings disappointment, rejection and hopelessness.

So, how do we combat that desire and feeling of giving up this battle with weight/food/health issues?

1. Remember! Time and time again in God's Word, He tells His people to remember a particular event or time. He instructs them to build altars to remember. Why? Because we FORGET so easily. Remember the disciples picking up the baskets leftover of bread? The very next scene sees them crossing the river and complaining about being hungry. What? How easily they had forgotten the Lord's provision. Go back and look where you have come from and the progress you have made. God will remain faithful to you no matter what you choose to do!

2. Plan. People without a plan and goals will rarely succeed. If you are aiming at nothing, you will hit it. Write down your goals and mark down your progress daily. I have a color coded spreadsheet with my half marathon training schedule. If I meet the goal for the day, I color it green. If I don't meet the goal, the box is yellow. And if I surpass my goal, I code it blue. I can look over the chart and see many green and blue boxes which reminds me that I'm making progress on the plan.

3. Seek support. We are not meant to do life alone. The people of God and the early church lived in community. They shared everything they had in common....this doesn't just mean their food, houses and goods..it means EVERYTHING! They gave each other encouragement and wisdom. Perhaps someone has conquered this battle in their own life that you are facing. Seek him/her out and ask for mentoring and wisdom. Find others who struggle with a similar battle and share your hearts.

4. Pray! This is the MOST important. We will fall flat on our faces if God doesn't win this battle for us. We must rely FULLY on Him and Him alone. We do not win the battle...He does. It is when we take control that things go awry! Surrender to Him daily and admit your weakness and desire to give up. Ask Him for strength and endurance to face the battles!

I'm totally with you on wanting to give up. But, my God is stronger than my desire to quit. He is greater than my wishes. I will NOT give up because the Holy Spirit within me spurs me on for His glory and my good. Do not give up my friend...let's battle this together!

Another Confession...

Laying my sins bare was the instruction I heard the Father say. And I have. But, there's more...there's ALWAYS more, right? Oh, how wicked and depraved our hearts are. How many of us really WANT to confess our sins and show people the sin in our lives. Not me!

But, here's another one for me to let loose...I'm lazy. Yep, lazy. I fight it EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.OF.MY.EXISTENCE. I despise it but it's true. I learned it early in life. I learned that you can tell someone else what to do and do nothing yourself. Work still gets done and you get to sit on the sidelines. I specifically recall hearing, "Let's rake the yard." Now, first you would have to know that we had hardly any grass...it was mainly dirt. I think my mom just wanted us out of the house, but it was the notion that "Let's" specifically means Let US... I quickly learned the benefits of being lazy. Perhaps it was just my home life, but my mother was actually rewarded for being lazy. I saw it as a negative way to get things done...but things got done nonetheless.

Fast forward to just last week when I was sick. I slowly began feeling the sore throat which led to my eyes being swollen and full of allergies. Then, the fatigue set in and I felt like my muscles were loaded down with concrete. I wanted to stay in bed every day and do NOTHING! And I realize that I did need to rest...my body was screaming for it...I needed rest to heal. But, because I fight laziness I have to be extremely cautious even when I am sick.

What I want and what I do must be different. In fact, I gave it to the laziness tendency when it came to exercise. Instead of stretching or riding the stationary bike or even walking slowly on the treadmill, I just did nothing. I went five days without exercising at all. I realized that I had succumbed when I went running yesterday. God convicted me of my laziness and reminded me that resting can include exercising as well.

I need to see the common ground in resting and exercising. I can exert energy and be healthy while resting from other work. I must fight the desire to be lazy and stand firm in the truth of God's Word about honoring Him in all that I do.

Do you struggle with laziness? What do you do to combat it?

It Takes a Plan

Recently I have been swamped with messages from people who want to know how we REALLY lost the weight and how are we keeping it off. When I say "swamped," it's a good thing and not negative at all...I am totally surprised by how many people face the same struggle. I wish I had known (or at least paid attention to) where to turn when I realized I had a sin issue with food/health/discipline!

Most people have strangely asked for our daily schedule, so here it is:
(keep in mind that JT works from home unless he's on a trip and we homeschool all five of our kids)

4:00 Wake up (I am not by nature a morning person...more of a 10:00 am - 2:00 pm and then again 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm kinda person. )
4:15 Eat a small bowl of instant oatmeal and 16 oz of water (this is the only thing I have found that works for my body - EVERY person is different and you may or may not need to eat prior to running. My brother eats Captain Crunch. Madison has bread with honey. JT eats nothing.)
4:15-5:00 Quiet time
5:00 Stretch and out the door for exercise. Prayer time.
7:15 Breakfast - 2 eggs, plain yogurt with fruit (we add cinnamon, vanilla and local honey to our yogurt), 16 oz of water, green tea. Every other day we have a muffin or oatmeal. We also have fruit with breakfast.
8:00 School (around 10:00, another 16 oz of water)
1:00 Lunch - grilled meat (usually chicken or fish), salad and veggies or 2 other veggies (one raw and one cooked), fruit, yogurt, 16 oz of water
3:30 Snack - protein bar or nuts with 16 oz of water
6:00 Dinner - fish/chicken/turkey (occasionally beef or pork) with at least 2 veggies, no carbs, no fruit, 16 oz of water
8:30 Green tea

Of course I am not including everything on our schedule but only the items that seem to be important to everyone. We have appointments, work, extra-curricular activities, ministry administration, etc that have to be worked into our schedule as well. Just like everyone else, we know that we prioritize our lives based on what is important. If someone invited us to an important event, we would make arrangements and adjust our schedule to be there. The same is true with exercising and health. We MUST take the extra time to address these areas.

God has shown me personally several areas where I needed to adjust in order to walk with integrity with Him: Planning, Preparation and Implementation. Here's what it meant for me:

Planning - In order to have the groceries that we need on hand and avoid eating unhealthy foods, I have to plan for our menu one to two weeks in advance. I simply use a spreadsheet on my computer and make sure that I include any appointments/special items that we have for that day. I purchase all of our groceries once a week based on this menu.
Planning doesn't just include food though. I have to plan ahead for exercise. In our house I am the first one up but am followed quickly by Madison. We both exercise before the sun rises. JT waits until an hour after breakfast and runs/bikes while the kids are working on school with me. Kaitlyn likes to exercise after lunch but changes up her schedule based on her workload. If we have a race or a long run approaching, I have to plan ahead for the younger kids as well.

Preparation - When I come in from running, I untie my shoes and put them on the shelf in my closet. I immediately take out the clothes that I will run in for the next day. When I get up in the morning, I see my outfit ready to go. I also have to make sure that my phone is charged and ready to go!

Implementation - This is the are where I struggled the most in the beginning. I would SAY that I wanted to do something differently. I was tired of clothes not fitting and not having energy and seeing my kids gaining weight, but I was NOT doing anything. What I proclaimed with my heart and mouth were NOT affecting my behavior. I would rather sleep in or eat what I wanted than to truly make the change. God has graciously extended His forgiveness and has changed my heart in this area.

Now when I wake up, I ask the Lord how to spend my time. He directs my steps. There are few times when He doesn't direct me right out the door!

I challenge you today to see where you are in life when it comes to healthy eating and exercise. How are you honoring the Lord? Does He want you to make a change? Then, what is stopping you????

Boasting...

Last week I was running when God puts this thought in my head: "Lay your sins bare." The conversation went something like this...

God: Lay your sins bare.
Me: What? Lord, are you serious? (yes, that's me questioning the Lord and not in deep respect either)
God: Lay your sins bare.
Me: Haven't I already done that?
God: Lay your sins bare.
Me: Okay, Lord. I do not understand but I will.
God: Here's one...stop allowing people to boast in you but point them to boast in me.
Me: Ouch. You are right. All praise and honor belong to You alone. I get it.
God: It may feel good when people are praising you but you are stealing from Me.
Me: Yes Lord.

Ummmm, okay where to start? Let's just start where He pointed out the sin. I am guilty of pride and wanting to hear compliments about our healthy lifestyle and how good it looks. I am totally and utterly sinful. I want to hear good things. I like it (a lot) when people say I am skinny (although I do NOT see myself that way at all). I enjoy the compliments. I do...I really do. But, no man is worthy of praise. None!

Encouragement is one thing, so don't get me wrong. I long for encouragement and need that too. But, praise is NOT mine for the taking. So, if you must boast, boast in Him alone. He DID this...and not me! I am weak and unworthy and so undisciplined. I want to give up regularly and make excuses and whine and complain. He graciously accepts me with all of my faults and pushes me to be more like Him. He knows what I can do because He formed me. He made me like this. He is worthy of all the praise and honor and glory.

Let's give Him the glory and point the success to Him alone. I will boast in what He has done! Praise Him!

More sin baring to come....uuggh!

I WANNA QUIT!

"I wanna quit!!" That's the theme of my life some days. I think I get easily caught up in my own little world which seems to magnify EVERYTHING. Raising five kids, three of whom are adopted and have a whole 'nother set of issues, the role of wife to a man who is out of town regularly, trying to eat healthy and exercise every day, homeschooling two kindergarteners, a third grader, an 8th grader and a 10th grader, daily quiet time with the Lord, managing all of our schedules, soccer, co-op, races, discipleship opportunities, time with friends, and oh, managing the ministry administrative side....it just gets a little much some days, you know?

Recently our family had the opportunity to go to Disney World where we had a blast...I wouldn't say it was restful...but it was good. I have to honestly say that it was the most fun watching Zeke...after EVERY single ride, restaurant, show, parade..he would squeal with delight. I saw several Disney cast members laugh because of his reaction. I think this picture sums it up...and it makes me laugh daily.

While we were so grateful for the time away, we had to face the reality of coming back home. And getting back into the swing of healthy eating (we ate about 80% healthy at WDW) and exercise (we did exercise there too) has been HARD! I wanna quit...every day!

So, whoever said this gets easier...YOU LIED! It is still a mental battle that I must surrender to the Lord every moment. This past Saturday I ran with JT and Madison who are both training for a half-marathon in November. They are ahead of me on training but I've been running on their long runs on Saturday anyway. Hey, who knows, maybe I'll just run that half-marathon with them at this point? I should if I'm training...or that's my thought at this moment...I'm sure that could change at any given moment. Anyway, back to the story. They were supposed to run 8.3 miles which would be the furtherest I've run (and them too) but I had agreed to go 7.5 because I had to take our oldest daughter to a birthday outing.

The first 3 miles were difficult and my body and mind kept screaming, "I wanna quit!" But once I get settled into the rhythm and focus my mind on God, I just keeping running. I am so grateful that the Lord is using the time to tame my mental laziness and turn my attention to His great name!

So, on Sunday we agreed to participate in an adventure race for Sozo Children (they work in Uganda...check it out..pretty cool stuff). We had never been in an adventure race and didn't know what to expect. Naïvely I thought that there would be a short obstacle every mile or so for 3 miles...I was WRONG. There were a dozen or so obstacles and most involved mud and water. The picture below is not a clear picture as we had to swim across a small part of a lake at the end which washed all of the mud off! But, looking back, it was fun....and I would do it again.

Just this morning I did NOT want to run. But the air was cool (thank you Lord) and crisp, and so I headed out. I spent the whole first mile (that's ten minutes) telling the Lord why I wanted to quit and justifying quitting at any given second. God gently reminded me that I need to spend that time praying and to stop complaining. So, I mentally recall the prayer list that He has given me.....

I think of friends waiting for their travel dates to China to meet their new children and a friend who is waiting for a double lung transplant and missionaries in Guatemala and a child who will forever be in a wheelchair yet praises the Lord and friends battling cancer and a friend who will marry off her daughter soon and friends who have children in college now or grandchildren and a friend battling an autoimmune deficiency and another who is battling an addiction and so many more. God is so good to take my mind off of me...and to place it on Him.

And now I can officially say that I am NOT a quitter. I am in this for the long haul. It is a lifestyle and not a quick fix. I am most looking forward to the half marathon in February because God has given me 53 people to pray for..that's someone every 1/4 mile (and one for the last tenth)...and I will need EVERY one of them. I will write their initials on my forearms and intercede.... I might miss a few princesses along the way..but my attention will be heavenward. I seek nothing less.

I have an enemy, and his name is ....

Chocolate. Yep, chocolate. More specifically, Hershey’s dark chocolate chips. And, he comes dressed in a brown bag with beautiful writing on it. He tempts my soul.

In Matthew 4 satan tempts Jesus in various ways. I can say that I would have been the most tempted by the bread...hunger trumps fear in my life. Hunger trumps a lot in my life...more than I would like to say. To make matters worse, it's not even REAL hunger...you know, the kind my three youngest kids have known. It's hunger based on past poor eating habits and gluttony. It's hunger from boredom...and it's hunger to avoid stress. But it still feels real, and I want to feed it. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY!

The enemy seems to tempt each person in their weakest area in ways that are unique to that person. Oswald Chambers says, " "A man's disposition on the inside, i.e., what he possesses in his personality, determines what he is tempted by on the outside. The temptation fits the nature of the one tempted, and reveals the possibilities of that nature. Every man has the setting of this own temptation, and the temptation will come along the line of the ruling disposition." Matthew 26:41 tells us to pray in order that we might combat temptation because "the spirit is willing but the body is weak." It appears to me that satan tempts me PERSONALLY in the areas where I am weakest....eating and exercise.

My biggest struggle right now (and the struggles seem to change as I obey the Father) is chocolate! Yep...chocolate! We do not have junk in our house but we do have dark chocolate chips that the girls use in baking ABC muffins. They are delicious yumminess in a dark brown bag. Every time I enter the kitchen (whether at 6 in the morning or 9 at night), I am tempted to eat them...every last one of them! If I eat a few, I will find myself going back in ten more minutes to eat a few more...and again and again and again.

I have NO will power....which is a good thing in that God will use His strength only to fight this battle. I have to take those tempting thoughts captive and drink a glass of water instead. There are days where I am totally winning this battle and days I am losing it BIG time!

I am still at my goal weight and exercise has been a constant around here. It's helpful to have the family on board when it comes to hitting the road for a run every day. But, I am still weak and easily tempted. I am frightened and scared that somehow I will slip up and fall back into old habits.

I must daily relinquish my will and desire and hopes and plans to the Father. I must decrease....my desires for chocolate included...so that He will increase!

Dear God - You know my heart. It is wicked above all else. I am a sinner unworthy of Your goodness or mercy or grace. I am humbled by Your love, and I am so grateful for Your sacrifice. You paid a debt You did not owe, and I am so thankful. You know that I struggle with eating and exercise. I have been gluttonous, prideful, lazy and mindless with eating and health and the welfare of my family. Thank you for forgiving me...I am overwhelmed by Your love in forgiving me. Please show me Your ways when it comes to chocolate...I want it desperately...and not just a little...I want it a lot. I cannot seem to eat just a little without going overboard. I cannot do this but You can. I am asking You to do what only You can do. May You receive all the glory. I will boast in my weaknesses and magnify You in Your work. I pray that You will use this struggle for Your glory and my good.

What's your temptation today? Where do you struggle? Am I the only one who thinks chocolate may be the death of me? Does anyone else dream or think about it this much?