Monday, September 1, 2014

Hitting the Wall...that I built.

My goal was met yesterday as I hit 100 miles for the month. It's never happened before, and it must happen over and over before running the marathon in January. Up until now, the most miles I have run in a month was 87 (and that was just last month)! So, there's a huge part of me that is celebrating that victory. God's grace allowed me to get to that number.

And yet, I am mad at myself. I can't seem to get past the fact that I hit the 100 miles on Friday and didn't run again all weekend. It wasn't that I didn't have the opportunity. I just didn't want to. I hit my goal and I was done. D-O-N-E, done. No desire left to run. Excuses all around...not enough time, out of town, unfamiliar area, goal already met, etc. Nothing within me had one lick of unction to all.

Am I just running to be ready for the marathon in January? If I do some soul searching, then yep, that's the main reason. And, that's not acceptable. It's a lofty goal - yes, I see that. And I must run to achieve it. Yes, I've got that part of the equation. But, I need to run because my body requires it, my Lord has commanded it, and I desire it. Of those choices, none are the reason I am actually running right now. My heart is just not in it at all. My head is DEFINITELY not in it. And, that's the biggest problem.

I am basing my attitude on my feelings. And that will get me into trouble every time. Feelings come and go with time of day, environment, what I ate, and so much more. They are not reliable and must not be the basis of my runs. I must not focus on how I feel during a run because I will quit every single time. No matter when and where I run, I find myself desiring to quit every half mile. I want to stop. I do not want to run.

I have hit a wall...a wall that I built. I am sabotaging myself with my negative thinking, fear of failure and constant worrying about quitting. I realize that running is largely mental, and I am losing that battle right now. I am not sure how to get past this point so I'm recruiting your advice/wisdom/help. What gets you past a wall in your life? How do you cope with negative thoughts that permeate your desire to obey? Through me a rope people....I need you.

No comments: