Starting Over...

Back to square one. That's where I am. And it stinks.

But God, in all His faithfulness, has been good to remind me of the lessons He has taught over the past few years. And I'm sure I'll be relearning those important points and some new ones too.

This morning was a two mile walk but I also ran...please don't interpret that to be Sheryl sprinting and jumping hurdles...you might want to envision Vicky Lawrence from Mama's Family trudging along in house shoes at a snail's pace. There was a time when I could easily run 3 miles in that amount of time, but it's still a start. And since patience is NOT my strong suit, I'm asking you guys to pray that I would see the Lord first and foremost each day. Pray that I would seek His wisdom and discernment in getting healthy again.

I am eager to be on this journey with the Lord and I pray that He would be most glorified as I seek Him above all else.

Slow as a turtle in quicksand....

Our friend, Bill, always has the funniest responses when we ask him how he's doing - better than a frog's hair split in half; if I were any better, there would have to be two of me; and happier than a dog in a butcher's shop. It always make me laugh because it's just so much more creative than the typical, "I'm good" answer.

And today I found myself answering that question a lot but my words seemed more like grunts...with a few head nods and tilts. I think answers fall into two categories - good and not so good. And Southerners can hide a sickness/illness/death/impending death behind a good answer any day of the week. It's a gift, really. Not a good gift...a deceptive one.

I am now 10 days out from a hysterectomy, and I can tell you that I'm glad that it was done. And my excellent doctor was right, right, right. The full pathology report says so...I do not intend to go into the yucky details but it was a really good thing. Be glad to tell you more if you really want to know but it just showed me God's abundant faithfulness and grace, and I am so grateful.

Speaking of thankfulness, I have been overwhelmed with all the texts, emails, notes, calls, meals, and acts of services (including babysitting, cleaning, and bodyguarding) that have been done for my family and me. The body of Christ is alive and active and has been surrounding us with lots of care during this time.

As for me I was cleared to walk on the treadmill this past week, and as you can see from the picture above, I'm as slow as a turtle in quicksand. But, it's a start. When I asked the doctor about running, he just lowered his glasses as he always does and smirked. And slowly shook his head at me and said an adamant, "No!" But, he did promise that I will be able to run again (and I'm hoping he means soon).

Since January I've now gained 50 lbs without changing my diet or exercise until a month before the surgery. And nothing I did helped. NOTHING. So now I'm excited that I can finally exercise again without feeling the fatigue I had before. Yeah!!! I find myself jealous of people who are running because I want to so badly. And yet I know it will be a very slow process.

Please pray with me that God will still my heart and I will wait on His perfect timing. I love you all and thank you for your love, encouragement and support!

Houston, we have a problem...

Sometime around the first of this year, I realized that I was feeling "off" and couldn't quite explain it. Since most of our days were filled with running Madison back and forth to doctor's appointments and trying to figure out what was the culprit of four years' worth of symptoms, I didn't make the time to see the physician.

Then, I picked up a parasite from Guatemala in April and that pretty much wreaked havoc on my system. I returned to Guatemala in June and again came home with another parasite. Now, I can see God's plan in pushing me into the doctor's office using the parasite (whatever it takes). Accompanied by some other concerning symptoms (as a Southern woman, I'm required not to discuss such things, you know?), I trudged to my annual appointment.

I was really hoping for some answers, and after multiple blood draws, a few visits, some tests and a biopsy, we have discovered the reason behind the constant fatigue and weight gain. Have I mentioned that I have gained 40 lbs since the first of the year, and I eat healthy and run/exercise regularly? Cause that is a big pain in my southern hemisphere! It is frustrating and embarrassing especially when I KNOW that something is causing it!

The fatigue was the biggest symptom that worried me. From the time I get up, I think about going back to bed. While sometimes I can rest easily, most of the time, I just need to sit and do nothing. I can't walk too long or stand on my feet. It exhausts me. It's 8:45 in the morning right now, and I'm worn out already. I have done nothing other than shower, take one kid to a driving class and have my morning quiet time.

But now, we have an explanation, and as GI Joe and my brothers would say, "And knowing is half the battle." So the plan is to have a hysterectomy on August 21st to get all the bad stuff out. I had cancerous cells on my cervix over 20 years ago and now they are all over my uterus. Since I'm too old to be birthin' babies, it's the best option!

Hopefully, this will relieve the exhaustion and get me back into fighting shape. Just knowing that there is a reason behind the madness helps more than anything!

And no matter what, we recognize that the Lord is in charge. He is good, and He has a plan. We believe in Him. We love Him. We trust Him.

Another Parasite?

On the past two trips to Guatemala, I've brought home a souvenir. A little surprise guest. And not one that I like or enjoy. It's a parasite, and I didn't invite him on the trip home. But he came anyway.

He's a vicious little creature that can rear his head quickly at the end of a trip or even hibernate and appear a few days/weeks later. He can come in the form of chills, fever, headaches, diarrhea, vomiting, or a variety of other symptoms (once JT had one that mimicked a heart attack..that was a little concerning). I do not like him one little bit.

But getting a parasite is sometimes part of being in another country to share the Gospel. And I will take it. I will NOT be deterred from the mission at hand.

On this past trip, there was a night of discussion in the book of James. We talked about being people who don't just hear the Word but DO it. And all I could do was cry...ugly cry. Over 29,000 kids die every day, most of them from preventable diseases. How can we, as the church, sit by and do nothing? How can we call ourselves believers and do nothing? We can't.

So, how can I complain about a little parasite that causes pain, inconvenience and annoyance? I can't. It's nothing compared to what most of the world is dealing with each day. It is just a reminder of why we go to the nations. We go out of obedience to the call of the Father. Not for anything we will get (whether positive or negative)or anything we will give. We go because He calls us to go.

And we will continue to go. No matter the costs.

Re-entry

One of the most difficult parts of a short term mission trip is re-entry. From the time I get up early on departure day until now, I am in a world that seems to dangle between Guatemala and the US. I'm an alien in my own country. It's a no man's land, and I am smack dab in the middle of it.

Physically, it's not so bad. I get more rest here (only in the summer) and I can spend more time catching up on some much needed sleep. I think I averaged about 4 hours a night in Guatemala mainly because I was thinking about something from that day or praying about a particular family or kid.

Emotionally, it's a roller coaster ride. As I sit in Starbucks typing these words, tears come to my eyes thinking about kids who have no safe place to lay their heads in Guatemala. I am sipping my skinny vanilla latte, and they are scrounging for food every day. I am adding up receipts from the trip, and parents are working 12-18 hours a day to provide for their families. I am listening to a little girl read to her mom, and kids in Sacjavilla are using 25 year old textbooks that they share in the school (IF they even get to go). I am staring at a bookshelf full of of books in a coffee shop, and I have walked into homes where no one could read. I have multiple Bibles in my home, and there are people in Guatemala begging for God's Word. I hear the little girl read a book on recycling, and my mind drifts to the people of the dump who recycle every day just to be able to survive. I can see an urgent care facility right across the street that I can simply walk into anytime while people in Guatemala cannot afford simple medical treatment.

Spiritually, I am asking God over and over again why I am here. Why was I born here? Why do I get the physical comforts of living in the US while others do not? Would I even know Christ if I didn't live here? Would I seek Him? What would my kids be doing? Could we afford a home or food or school? How would God show Himself to us? Would anyone come and tell us the Good News? Would we listen?

These are all issues and questions that I face every time I return from being out of the country. And I do not know the answers. I simply trust in the One who does. And He is trustworthy. He is sovereign. He is faithful. He is sufficient. And I will rest in Him.

A Little Surgery, A Lot of Stairs

We sort through the box looking for a missing puzzle piece. Where did that thing go? It just doesn't disappear. Okay, back to the drawing board. Make sure all the outside pieces are truly outside pieces. Put the similar colors together. Look under the table. Everyone stand up and look in your seat. Check your clothing. Searching everywhere but no one can find it.

It's what our lives have been like for the past few years with Madison's health. Starting with her face drooping on one side but not all the time. Allergies that won't go away in various seasons no matter what medicine she takes. Wheezing and not being able to exercise without feeling like she was about to pass out. Extreme fatigue that led to sleeping over 18 hours a day. Mono and flu-like symptoms with a diagnosis for both. Then, trouble walking up the stairs to the point that she wouldn't and couldn't do it. Fog-like brain with no ability to focus (for an A+ student, that was hard to grasp). Dark days of knowing she was sick but no diagnosis. Being told it was "all in her head." It didn't take long for all those factors to lead to some lonely and isolating times for our sweet second child.

In January of this year, we finally received a diagnosis of dysautonomia, specifically POTS, that we accepted gladly. All of her symptoms made sense and the puzzle was beginning to form. However, it's not a simple puzzle, and even the doctors don't agree on how to treat it. Doctors at the Mayo Clinic, Johns Hopkins, the Cleveland Clinic and Vanderbilt seem to agree on a protocol treatment but patients all respond differently. So, it's trial and error until the right combination of medicines/exercise/vitamins work for you.

So you can imagine our concern when we learned that Madison needed her tonsils and adenoids out as well as a turbinate reduction (honestly, I still don't know what that is except that it has something to do with the nose). I mispronounced it approximately 8 times at Children's including calling it the terminator and turbine reduction...I'm sure they were all impressed. Let's be honest for a second - who is ever going to say turbinate reduction again in his/her lifetime? No one. So, we should just call it the terminator and be done with this silly argument.

However, Madison was awesome as usual. She enjoyed the anesthesia a little too much and to be frank, I wish they would have just let her sleep for a few days to allow her to catch up on some rest. She said it was the best sleep she had experienced in four years. That sinks a mama's heart really quick like.

Her blood pressure was adequate during the surgery but her heart rate remained low. They monitored it continually, and she came through the surgery like a pro. The kind folks at Children's Hospital let us go home the same day.

The dysautonomia complicates recovery as she already takes quite a bit of medicines/vitamins to regulate her condition. So, she has about 14 pills that she takes each morning and 4 at night. Now, we give her pain medication every two hours. With the brain fog aspect of POTS, it is vital that an adult administer the required medications so that she doesn't forget what she has taken! So, we tread up those stairs every 2 hours all day.

Can I just tell you that I would walk those steps every day if I knew my child would improve? I would do it the rest of my life. With gladness. And it makes me awfully grateful for those single parents and parents of special need kids or those with chronic illnesses or long term impairments that have to deal with this kind of stuff day in and day out for life. They are my heroes. I salute them.

Would you pray with us that Madison will improve quickly over the next week? She needs her strength to fight the POTS, and it takes a lot...mental, emotional and physical strength...to wake up each day and keep working at it. We pray that she will become the physician who finds the cure one day so that others won't have to walk this road.

Changing Seasons

As winter finally gives way to spring (feels like we are about a month late on that front), I sense the need to be nostalgic. Maybe it's because I have an 18 year old living under my roof who used to be a toddler. Or a young lady who is about to be a high school graduate and is heading off to Tennessee in just a few months.

Someone once said that "the days are long but the years are short." It is SO true, and I'm living those words each and every day. Our lives will never be the same as they are now. Things are changing. We are changing.

I cannot tell you that I've handled this well as I have found myself crying fairly often. I am so excited for our girl to be graduating and going off to college. I am proud of the woman she has become. She has learned the value of true friendship, how to stand firmly in her faith, how to pursue Christ relentlessly, the importance of a good joke (Laffy Taffy has nothing on her), the art of making coffee, and how to love her family and friends well. I am blown away by the privilege of being her mom.

At the same time our oldest will be leaving the nest. And that leaves four other kids who will miss her. The dynamics won't ever be the same. And that's a good thing. I'm trying to believe that.

When I don't know what to do, I simply repeat these truths (and that is happening a lot these days). God created the world. He loves us and wants us to obey Him. He can be trusted, and He is faithful. I will trust Him no matter what comes. He is coming back soon.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.....