Monday, September 23, 2013

Well, this has never happened before...

I uttered the words to the MRI technician...he sorta rolled his eyes. I assured him that I could handle the tight enclosure, and then, I couldn't. COULD.NOT.DO.IT.

I was just lying there as calm as ever when he explained the sounds I would hear, what it would feel like, and this gentle reminder, "It's really better if you close your eyes." My ears and brain interpreted that to mean, "If you are wimpy, close your eyes so you won't get scared. Otherwise, leave them open." I opted to have my eyes wide open. For all of 60 seconds.

First, it was the chill bumps. Then, my heart started racing. I imagined myself in a casket (for some strange reason). I was having a hard time breathing. I felt my blood pressure go up, and only in what I can describe as a moment of "this is clearly crazy but it sounds perfectly plausible to me," I thought that somehow I would swell up like the girl in the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and then get stuck in this MRI tunnel and perhaps die there. What was going on? I didn't have a clue. But, then my chest tightened, and I called out for the technician. "I don't think I can do this." He graciously responded, "I'm coming."

Glorious words. Everlasting really. Life changing. I could breathe again. He called it a panic attack. I have to agree. Never had one before and don't plan on having another...thank you for asking. We talked through the procedure and he assured me that the whole "close your eyes" thing was for real. And so I believed him and took his advice.

I went back in. For 30 whole minutes. I willed my eyes to stay closed. I prayed a lot. And that's when God reminded me of something I was missing...Him.

You see, when my eyes were on my circumstances and surroundings, my mortality and failure were very obvious. They were clear, and they were choking me. I couldn't accomplish the completion of the task because I was too focused on the situation itself. It was tight (not on my body but just so close), uncomfortable, restraining and unknown. Not unlike many of the circumstances we all find ourselves in daily.

Yet, when I closed my eyes and focused on the voice of the one who knew the machine, I knew that all was well. He had used this machine daily for over 13 years. He knew what he was doing. I did not. He could see the bigger picture and the end result. All I could see was being buried alive in a coffin (as a side note, watching CSI years ago did nothing to help said matter but only reaffirmed my feelings about such a death).

In much the same way, my attitude and behaviors cannot depend on my surroundings. I must incline my ear to God alone. For He knows me and He knows each situation. His truth remains truth no matter what the world whispers or shouts to me. My circumstances will not dictate or determine my actions. I will surrender to the voice of the One who made me and for Who I was made.

And I hope I never have to repeat that lesson.

No comments: