My eyes stared at the Facebook post. Look at that picture. She has a great mom. God, why didn’t I get that? Would I be a better mom if I had a mother like that? Why did you choose this path for me?
My mind wandered to friends who have lost their loving mothers over the past few years. My husband lost his mom only a couple of years ago, and the loss is still great especially for our children. And then I could picture many friends who have dealt with infertility and the thought of Mother’s Day brings unimaginable sadness and a longing for what has not been.
I KNOW that God reminds me of greater suffering, and yet, I still question. I have no doubt that I would not be the person I am today without my past. But, there’s a big part of me that still wants to know WHY.
Why was I given a mom who suffered with mental illness? Not just mental illness but also the capability of manufacturing every disease you can imagine. Long before the days of Google and the internet, my mom spent hours at the local library researching medical books. I was too young to understand. But, my brothers and I would regularly hear her self-diagnose with grand mal seizures, throat cancer, appendicitis, etc., etc., etc.
And there were the numerous trips to the ENT in Mobile. Unnecessary medicines. Unnecessary surgeries. For us.
And mental health hospitals every three months. At least ten Christmas celebrations took place at a state run mental facility somewhere. No wonder it took me years to enjoy the season of Christ’s birth.
I could dwell on the past for a long time, but where does that get any of us? What was the point of such sad memories? Why was I given this lot in life?
For a GLORIOUS reason…to bring Him great glory. Suffering in any form allows us the opportunity to display Christ and make Him known to others. I can’t say I did even a decent job of that as a kid or teenager. But, God surrounded me with beautiful adults who encouraged and taught me from His Word. God’s plan at work in my life.
And now, I am a mother to five amazing wonders…Kaitlyn Hope, Madison Grace, Josiah Jett, Ezekiel Duke and Ellyson Faith. All brought into our lives in beautiful ways. The way God has woven each one of them into our family in a way that honors Him above all else.
I find myself inadequate to be a mom…I can do NOTHING apart from Christ alone. I need Him to live through me just to survive each day. I cannot love or plan or show compassion or teach without the Father. I fail miserably over and over again. But, He does not. He sustains, extends patience, shows love, and provides grace. And, it is abundantly good.
My questions fade in light of His glory. My past allows His goodness to be on display. My pain pushes me to serve and love Him more deeply. It is from a place of suffering that I know Him more. And, that my friend, is beautiful.
2 comments:
Thank you!! I love this, and was also feeling heart-heavy on Sunday for those struggling with infertility or having to wait very patiently for adoption or those whose mom has passed away or wasn't a "great mom"...the list goes on. We might do better to obliterate it from the calendar.
I knew I wanted to hear your thoughts on this! You are right, God is utterly glorified in your life and in the children you mother, on good days and bad, He is still where your lifted hands point. Praise Him who uses our stories for His great purposes!
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